No Kids Please – An Open Letter

Dear Parents,

You inconsiderate little arseh*les who bring loud, whiny, badly behaved kids to restaurants of the fine dining variety. Let me make some things perfectly clear it’s not me or a thousand other people like me who have been rude to you or lost their temper on your miniature agents of chaos, but you lot who are unacceptable to the rest of us. You lot need to understand that they are other people in a room trying to have a nice meal and probably on a date or discussing business, and yet here you are at such place with those noisy little pain in the arse anarchists in tow messing it all up. Every now and then I have a nice fancy meal that I want to enjoy, spoilt by a family with absolutely uncivilized kids running amok like their ancestors (monkeys) high on MDMA forks flying, glasses breaking, wailing, shrieking as if it’s some sort of restaurant apocalypse. I am here to enjoy a meal and not suffer your kids dressed up in what is probably fake baby Prada/ Gucci clothing going mad. You all need to start being considerate to others around you and if your kids are not well behaved it’s probably your fault for not paying enough attention to them. By virtue of this I automatically assume you are bad parent and therefore you shouldn’t have be allowed to breed in the first place. So the next time your kid trips and busts its head open in a fine dining restaurants polished marble floor on, it’s probably good karma by someone like me who has tripped him over just to shut him up or has rubbed chili paste on a treat and fed it to the little animal as revenge for spoiling my evening.
Stick to places where it’s acceptable to have a little brats running around putting boogers in other peoples food or a vomiting on a stranger.
If you need to go out to a fine dining establishment my suggestion would be to a train them in social etiquette, and if they don’t understand them give them an arse whopping in advance and tell them if they don’t behave themselves there will be more of that back home. Better if you can leash them up and stick a pacifier in their mouth. Do you know what’s the best solution to this ? LEAVE THEM THE FU%K HOME !!!
To conclude: No your baby is not cute and it’s probably ugly and about to vomit on me.

Yours Sincerely
Everyone Else

no kids allowed

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